her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
