Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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