The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
