Why does Corona taste like a burp?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
