know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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