You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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