I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
