Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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