if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
