Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
