On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my liver is dry heaving
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
