The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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