the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
