I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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