I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
