Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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