Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
