I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
