a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
