stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
