just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
