She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
