If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Are we still banned from the library?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
