u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
