working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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