Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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