I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
