I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
