saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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