just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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