Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
