i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
