who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
