someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
