Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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