She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
