so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
