I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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