Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
