i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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