when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
