i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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