apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
