you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
