1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
