i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
