Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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