evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
