why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
