just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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